PIRANHACONDA
DVD. Chelsea Films

Perhaps the most telling statement I can make about Piranhaconda is that during my viewing of the film, I glanced at the time counter, convinced that the film must be nearing its end, only to discover that it had actually been on for 41 minutes, and so was less than half way through. The fact that a film about a giant snake monster and packed with bikini babes could feel twice as long as it actually is should tell you everything you need to know abut the faults of this movie.

The film follows the crew of a low budget slasher movie that for some ridiculous reason is being filmed in Hawaii as they deal with a gang of kidnappers and the titular monster, which is something of a scam – while the screenplay manages to force the word 'Piranhaconda' into the story, this is not the mutant hybrid you'd been hoping for, just just a giant, toothy monster snake. Still, by the time most people find that out, they've already paid their rental price or committed themselves to that SyFy channel showing. Along for the ride is Michael Madsen, who I'd say was slumming it if it wasn't for his considerable track record of cheap crap, playing a sleazy professor who has been hunting the monster.

Jim Wynorski directs with his usual vigour, but he's hampered by the TV movie restrictions. This is an unrepentant exploitation movie, but of course the nudity that the film is crying out for – and that Wynorski is not usually shy about providing – is notably absent. Instead, we have a bunch of actresses who spend most of their time in bikinis, including Rachel Hunter, who (if we are to be kind) is extraordinarily well cast as a vacuous scream queen of minimal talent. Terri Ivens, as the film's lead female, gets to wear more clothes but still provides plenty of cleavage shots and gets liberally splashed across the boobs with a sticky substance that is so symbolic that you can't help but admire the film's nerve.

Piranhaconda doesn't try to be anything that it isn't, but that's part of the problem. When a bad film doesn't realise its own shortcomings, there's a certain naïve charm there, but this is a bad film that uses its limitations as an excuse for laziness. So we have a sloppy plot, piss-poor characters, some dreadful acting and terrible CGI that are made worse because more or less everyone involved seems to be showing their contempt for the viewer. And unlike, say, Sharktopus, this isn't even funny.

But the biggest problem is that despite having a giant snake monster frequently eating people (no SyFy restrictions on gore, funnily enough), gun-toting kidnappers, busty bikini babes and a cast who spend most of their time running around frantically, the film feels very slow. I'll be damned if I can understand why, but there it is.

Still, the psychobilly theme song is fun..

DAVID FLINT

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