As part of the ongoing War on Booze that is part of a wider government mission to make life in Britain as thoroughly miserable as possible by legislating anything the unwashed might enjoy into the ground, this week has seen a couple of laughable decisions by self-appointed legislators and unofficial bodies with as much moral and legal legitimacy as a nutter shouting in the street. Sadly, both the Advertising Standards Authority and The Portman Group are given more power than they deserve by retailers, advertisers, broadcasters and publishers who take their half-witted pronouncements as if they the word of God.

The 'rules' around advertising alcohol are fascinating, because while most advertising rules demand that the ads be essentially truthful, with booze, it's quite the opposite. You are not allowed to suggest that alcohol might make you more popular, more sexually successful, more confident or happier, even though that's exactly what it can do. Neither are you allowed to suggest that drinking alcohol is in any way a pleasurable experience, which of course offers assorted challenges for drinks companies and ensure that anyone who steps out of the world of bland, ambiguous advertising will fall foul of these humourless temperance-supporting prigs.

This week, Captain Morgan upset the ASA by running an online ad that pictured their pirate mascot raising a toast with crew mates and saying “Wednesday, I’m declaring war on mid-week boredom.”

A made-up group of thin-lipped miserablists called The Youth Alcohol Advertising Council complained to the ASA branding it “irresponsible”, saying it implied alcohol “could overcome boredom and was capable of changing mood.” Which some of us might say is like implying that water is wet.

The ASA upheld this one complaint, saying that “the ad, although not expressly encouraging excessive drinking, implied that the Captain had sought alcohol to improve his mood. Because of that, we concluded that the ad implied that alcohol could overcome boredom and was capable of changing mood, and was therefore in breach of the Code.”

Idiots.

Not to be outdone, The Portman Group – the industry's own regulator set up by big brewers that likes to bash indie brewers like Brewdog – have this week ruled against Direct Beers Ltd for the crime of having offensive beer names. Now, I'm not necessarily going to defend the likes of Cat Piss, Dog Piss, Bullshit, Dandelion & Birdshit, Big Cock, Arse Liquor, Puke, Shitfaced, Yellow Snow and Knobhead as the height of wit – and frankly, I wonder who would be attracted to beers with such names anyway, though if Direct Beers want to send some over for review, I'm happy to be open minded. But according to the Portman Group, these crude names are forbidden not because they are offensive as such, but because “they might have particular appeal to under eighteens.” Really?

Also, “Puke, Shitfaced and Knobhead were deemed to encourage illegal, irresponsible, or immoderate consumption. Big Cock and Knobhead were found in breach for suggesting an association with sexual activity; whilst Shitfaced and Yellow Snow were found in breach for suggesting an association with bravado, violence, aggression, or anti-social behaviour .”

So there you have it. The Portman Group think that you are so utterly stupid that if you see a beer 'humorously' called Shitfaced, you'll feel an obligation to neck it until you fall over in the gutter and choke on your own vomit. However, they didn't uphold complaints against Grumpy Git and Lazy Sod – apparently, you are allowed to be miserable and idle.

A Henry Ashworth, Secretary to the Independent Complaints Panel, said:

"It is vitally important that alcohol producers ensure that their drinks do not in any way appeal to children, encourage violence, anti-social behaviour or immoderate drinking, or make references to sexual activity. There is a place for humour in alcohol marketing, as the Panel's decisions on Grumpy Git and Lazy Sod show -- but it is important to know where to draw the line."

Methinks his comments smack of the Monty Python Colonel saying “no one enjoys a good laugh more than I do”. Knowing where to draw the line – a knowledge that The Portman Group apparently have but others don't – is the usual excuse of moralisers and censors. I'd suggest Direct Beers send a case of Knobhead to the Portman Group to enjoy at their next meeting – after all, it's got their name written on it.