Cult Films & TV
Books & Comics
Strange Things Boutique
For the compulsive onanist on the move, the ‘easy to use’
Instant Muff provides a portable facsimile of the female sex
organ by way of a plastic tube filled with the type of foam
rubber you find stuffed into a budget Ikea futon. Produced in
the millions by confused Chinese factory workers, you can only
begin to imagine what goes through their minds as legions of
these grotesque creations roll along the assembly line.
‘Ah, just look at the true nature of our enemy. All that
freedom, all that human potential…..and all they can think
to do with it is to dip their capitalist sex organs into a prefabricated
plastic casing that has the dark aesthetic power to fuel nightmares
for an eternity’.
For your admission price you also get two packets of tropically
flavoured lube. In this case both Kiwi and Black Cherry, suggesting
that the unit is intended to be used more than once. On my first
attempt to give it a go I’ll admit to feeling a wave of
existential despair more profound than the Sartre back catalogue,
but adopting a sense of Dunkirk spirit I unenthusiastically
completed the job in hand.
Throughout the joyless ‘experience’ I avoided looking
at the grisly mechanics and instead focussed blankly on the
nearest wall. The concept of what I was engaging in threatening
to collapse under the weight of its ridiculousness.
Call me a hopeless romantic but I’m not sure I like my
Disposal is something of an issue. I would strongly discourage
chucking it into the recycling bin for fear of being labelled
a sex case by the local bin men. Being loathed to rinse it under
the tap and reuse it, it instead sat dejected in my kitchen
bin, oozing both jizz and a powerful metaphorical sense of loneliness.