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PIRATES
DVD region 0. Digital Playground.
Pirates caused something of a storm in the adult industry when
released back in 2006, setting a new standard for big budget,
high concept hardcore and arguably spawning the new generation
of porn parodies. The first adult movie in decades to be re-edited
for an R-rating and given theatrical release, this alleged $1
million production successfully showed what needed to be done
to combat the threat of the tube sites – namely, making
something that bedroom amateurs couldn’t compete with, and
producing a film that can cross-over beyond the traditional XXX
marketplace.
While obviously inspired by Pirates of the Caribbean, Pirates
sets itself apart from the parodies that followed by at least
having an original plot. Pirate Captain Victor Stagnetti (Tommy
Gunn) kidnaps just-married Manuel Venezuela (Kris Slater), the
descendent of Incans who have hidden away some sort of magical
sceptre that only he can locate. Chasing them down are pirate
hunters Captain Edward Reynolds (Evan Stone, channelling William
Shatner) – a rather incompetent blowhard – and his
first mate Jules (Jesse Jane). After the rescue Manuel’s
bride Isabella (Carmen Luvana), thrown to the sharks by Stagnetti,
they follow him to a secret island where the two forces do battle.
There’s no arguing with the fact that Pirates is a pretty
impressive effort. With sumptuous sets and costumes, a huge cast
and some decent CGI (the Jason and the Argonauts-inspired living
skeletons are particularly impressive, and it’s a pity that
such cool monsters are pretty much thrown away in the story),
this could easily be a better-than-average SyFy movie if you took
out the sex (as the R-rated cut did). You might choose to question
the authenticity of virginal brides who have tattoos, but the
film isn’t taking itself too seriously anyway, so such anomalies
can be accepted.
As you’d expect, the acting is variable. Stone is amusing
as the egotistical but inexperienced Captain, Steven St. Croix
is effective in a small role and Gunn is suitably unsavoury as
Stagnetti, complete with his blind eye and gold teeth. The female
cast are less effective – Jesse Jane just about manages
to deliver her dialogue effectively, but looks way too much like
a porn star to convince as a sailor, and Janine, who I’ve
seen give decent performances before, seems strangely one-dimensional.
Carmen Luvana does her best, but seems a little wooden while acting,
and visibly relaxes during the sex scenes.
And the sex scenes come at regular intervals and are as raunchy
as you’d expect. Luvana and Jenaveve Jolie probably have
the best scene, a lesbian encounter surrounded by cheering pirates
that oozes with genuine passion. The rest of the cast give their
all too, with the frighteningly tiny Jesse Jane proving to be
particularly flexible.
Witty, ambitious and genuinely entertaining, Pirates is a good
example of what the adult industry is capable of when it tries.
And the DVD matches the luxurious nature of the film, coming in
a nicely boxed three-disc set. The feature has an audio commentary
by the starts and (voice disguised) director Joone, and there
is a lively behind-the-scenes documentary, FX comparison shots,
plentiful trailers, painful screen tests, bloopers and more, as
well as a soundtrack CD, previously released separately (fans
of the bombastic orchestral scores found in most blockbusters
will enjoy this more than me). It would’ve been interesting
to have the R-rated cut included too, but to complain about omissions
here seems rather churlish. UK fans should avoid the British R18
release, which is very heavily censored..
DAVID
FLINT
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