interesting to note that while women now treat sex toys as some
sort of badge of honour, metaphorically waving their rampant
rabbits around as some kind of sign of sexual liberation, male
sex toys have generally remained – in terms of public
perception – the province of the sad wanker. Part of this
might be because men have traditionally done very well using
their own hands, thank you very much, but mostly because things
like blow-up dolls have generally been horrible objects that
you could only imagine appealing to the most socially inept.
But things are perhaps changing, and Fleshlights have been at
the forefront of that change.
Ferociously promoted, these are the Rolls Royce of male sex
toys (those Real Dolls being the private jets of sex toys) and
with over two million shifted, they are obviously doing something
right. After Strange Things reported
on the new Halloween themed line, the guys at Fleshlight shipped
a selection over for review, and here are the thoughts of the
various writers who selflessly volunteered to check them out…
not sure what I expected from this, but my first impression
was ‘what a brute’! Packaged in a metal cylinder,
the actual Fleshlight is a hefty item – unsurprisingly
in retrospect, given the requirements. It does look
like a large torch, but when you remove the lid, you are faced
with a fairly authentic looking artificial vagina – though
this being a special horror edition, it’s a vagina surrounded
by stitches and scars, which could be rather suspect I guess,
if you start to think about what sort of man would be aroused
by such a sight. But in the end, this, along with the other
Halloween editions, is a bit of a gimmick – you can’t
see any of this when you are using the Fleshlight, and the external
packaging is plain black – all the better for discrete
storage I suppose, but a bit disappointing given the theme of
It comes with a couple of sachets of lube – which you’ll
need - and instructions for preparation, use and aftercare.
Using this requires a bit of prep, as you heat the slightly
disturbingly fleshy rubber in warm water and lube it up before
use, so you probably won’t be using this for a spontaneous
I have to admit, this is pretty good. It feels pretty authentic,
and while I haven’t got any rival products to compare
it to, I can certainly see why this has become the top selling
toy on the market. The size makes it a little awkward to use
in some positions at first, so you’ll probably have to
go through a bit of trial and error before getting fully into
it, but it’s certainly worth the effort, as this is as
close to the real thing as I can see anything reaching. You
might want to shut off the lights or close your eyes, as looking
down at it as you pump away can instantly shatter any fantasy
you might’ve built up.
At around £60, this is not for the causal masturbator;
but if you are looking for something to enhance your self-pleasuring
moments considerably, this remarkably well engineered and solidly
built toy is worth the expense.
I don’t know what I expected when I agreed to try this
out, but I’ll admit that when it came out of the package,
I swallowed hard. This dayglo green monster is a whopping ten
inches long, and has a girth that I could only just get my hand
around. Not only that, but it looks really scary – full
of stitches, scars, bolts and peeled back flesh revealing mechanics
and tendons, it more than lives up to its name.
But never let it be said that I’m not game for experimentation.
So I gave it a go, and once I game to terms with the size, easing
it in slowly with lots of lube, it really began to get me where
I needed to go. The large size does make it a bit of a handful
to use – the weight means that I had to use both hands,
and that meant that the amount of clit play or nipple squeezing
I could do was limited. A sucker on the bottom would’ve
been nice to allow me to stick it on a flat surface and use
it that way, but alas there isn’t one.
But I did like this, though it’s more of a novelty that
a serious toy I think, unless you really get off on mutilated
horror cocks (I bet it’s big on the goth market). Personally,
I prefer a buzzing vibe to a rubber dildo, but if you are into
more flexible toys or really big cocks, this is definitely for
Cyborg Fleshlight Dildo
love a novelty sex toy, me. In the garage somewhere, I have
a huge black double-ended fisting dildo - modelled on real male
hands - that just looks so incredible, I had to take it home
to review. It remains un-used, but I want to mount it on a plaque,
like the horns of a stag, as some kind of weird political artistic
statement. So, when I was asked to review a new product for
Strange Things Are Happening I rubbed my smutty
little hands together.
Then I found out it was a set of novelty ‘Freak’
Fleshlight dildos and ‘sleeves’ (or whatever the
industry now calls things you stick your cock into). Hmm. I
remember a few years ago when they made Fleshlights with vampire
mouths (presumably for those with vagina dentata/goth girlfriend
fetishes) and sparkly dildos you were meant to put in the fridge
(presumably for the throngs of teenage girls who wanted to have
Edward Cullen’s sparkly babies). So I was a little more
resigned to some half-arsed, cobbled-together wobbly cock with
pretend bolts or teeth that would be going nowhere near my delicate
When it arrived, however, I was faced with a pearly-purple Geiger-esque
piece of art, sitting quietly like a big wobbly mechanical scorpion-tail.
It’s magnificent. So magnificent, I decided to take it
to my boyfriend’s house to induct him into the life of
being the partner of a professional pervert.
“Are you ready?” I said, skipping across
the room and crouching behind the sofa (because that’s
where my bag was, not because I’m a twat).
“Yes!” he enthused, cross-legged, eager
As I rummaged through the layers of plastic packing and the
contents of my overnight bag, I sang the theme to 2001
– A Space Odyssey, leaping out for the final
fanfare, dildo aloft. (Polite applause from boyfriend.) I gave
it to him to inspect, which he did with a fascination reserved
usually for those with a keen appreciation for small insects.
He prodded it, squeezed it, then, finally, held it by the base
and jiggled it at me.
I grinned. “Good, eh?”
“Amazing. It’s like… it’s like art.
We should put it on the coffee table for when visitors come
Which is what we did. We left it there all weekend. Oh, apart
from the time when I shoved it down my top and pretended it
was bursting from my chest. Oh, and the time when Boyfriend
decided to be a big purple unicorn. Oh, and the time I very,
very quietly tried to put it in his ear when he was checking
Twitter and he thought he was being attacked.
In the dying hours of the weekend, we just happened to get,
er… you know. Amorous. In the heat of the moment (and
because it was handy) boyfriend seized the dildo and asked if
I want to try it. High on endorphins, I agreed. I shall spare
you the gory details, but suffice to say, when it first, ahem,
entered, I was a bit taken aback. A bit big and with very weird
ridgey bits that weren’t entirely pleasant going in. I
was close to calling a halt and throwing the Cyborg onto the
pile of other useless novelty review toys when I realized that
there was function as well as form to it. If inserted the right
way – i.e. with balls ‘hanging’ down –
it is the perfect g-spot stimulator. Not too harsh,
not too direct, just… well. I’ll fast forward a
bit, but it was good. Very good. Tingles-all-over-your-body
good. Oh-my-God-what-just-happened good. I-need-to-lie-down-for-a-minute-you-can-finish-yourself-off
Only when I came to write this did I properly inspect the rest
of the range and I can’t say such things for the other
models, apart from the others look much more creepy
and gross (especially the decaying zombie fanny – ick),
whereas the cyborg just looks spectacular. Worryingly, not just
for me but for the pure fact that it’s a dildo, the small
print reads ‘For external use only’… But as
they are all made from healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone,
I can only assume that’s a disclaimer in the unlikely
event that you get an intimate part snagged on a design feature.
Just get one. Yes, they may be more for looking at than using,
but the using is GOOD. Plus it looks awesome on the coffee table.
And we all like to play ‘Big Purple Unicorn’ from
time to time, right? Happy Hallowe’en.