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Yes, it's that time of the year again, when your bank account is emptied, you risk life and limb every time you leave home thanks to the snow and ice, godawful records by Wham, Band Aid and other pop chancers assault your ears wherever you go and suicide rates rocket - Merry Christmas everyone!

But it's not all bad, and as we enter December, your chums at Strange Things are bringing you a special treat - a daily advent calendar of movies, music and pop culture that show the other side of the festive season! Every day from now until Christmas Eve we'll uncover a new treasure to help your holidays go with a bang!

•••

Black Christmas

1. Black Christmas

So here we are, at the the final entry in our festive feast. I know you probably expected Santa Claus Conquers the Martians... and rightly so... but as we started with 1970's horror, it seems fair to end with it.

Like a generation of horror fans, I first saw Black Christmas on TV, unannounced and unheraldred, yet incredible and influential. Bob Clark's film, while undoubtedly influenced by Giallio films from Italy, set the template for the psycho slashers of later years - a holiday themed shocker that mixed dark suspense with thoroughly modern horror. Forget the (not awful) revamp - this grim shocker is an essential film for anyone interested in the development of the horror genre since 1970. It's not exactly festive - but it is a Christmas classic.

Enjoy this and enjoy your holidays! And watch out for another month of alternative Chistmas goodies next year!

 

Santa Claus vs Satan

2. Santa Claus

This 1959 Mexican film (also known as Santa Claus vs Satan) was re-released on video in the 1980's, fooling inattentive parents who thought they were buying the Dudley Moore film of the same title. Their kids won out in this instance, as this is a wild and warped romp in which Santa - who lives in a Cloud Castle where he keeps the entire world under the sort of intense surveillance normally only found in the UK - has to team up with Merlin the Magician (again! - see entry 4) and a mechanical, cackling reindeer to save the world's children from Satan (or at least his minion, Pitch).

Yes, it's as demented as you'd hope - not always fun (in fact, very rarely fun) but always insane. Imported into America by K Gordon Murray, who made a mint (a Murray mint?) from audiences who thought they were going to see a 'real' film; directed by the man who brought you Night of the Bloody Apes and a fistful of El Santo films.

 

Barely Legal Xmas
3. XXXmas Porn

Is nothing sacred? Seemingly not, as those filthy smut merchants have defiled this family holiday with their depraved degeneracy. You can meet Dirty Santa or enjoy a Barely Legal Xmas, 'ho 'ho 'ho-ing as you go. You may prefer A Big Tit Christmas (not to be confused with Big Titty Christmas), or you might instead choose one of several films titled Merry Fucking Christmas.

The festive content of these films is probably not too high, but This Isn't Christmas Vacation - a XXX Parody at least tries to match the original (dreadful) film, while Michael Ninn's Silent Night brings a touch of class to proceedings. The less said about Tranny Christmas the better I suspect...

 

 

4.Santa Visits the Magic Land of Mother Goose

Santa Visits the Magic Land of Mother GooseWhen you think of Herschell Gordon Lewis, you generally don’t think of children’s films. But there’s more to the Godfather of Gore than just… erm… gore. Alongside winners like Blood Feast and Two Thousand Maniacs, he also made nudie films, sex comedies, action movies and, most bizarrely, a couple of kids films.

This companion piece to Jimmy the Boy Wonder is as crude a film as you could imagine – essentially a kid’s stage show, filmed with little aplomb, it features Old King Cole, Merlin the Magician and various characters from Mother Goose in a messy, virtually unwatchable shambles.

To squeeze a bit more life out of the film, it later had some unrelated Christmas scenes crowbarred into the ‘story’ and was reissued with ‘Santa Visits’ slapped on to the original title. Even in 1967, this must’ve led to some very upset children and irate parents.

Lewis shot The Gruesome Twosome the same year and that is much more entertaining.

Matt Rogers' Rated X-Mas
5.Matt Rogers - Rated X-Mas

If you are amused by juvenile crudeness – and let’s face it, we all are – then Matt Rogers’ Rated X-Mas might make you chuckle briefly. It’s not exactly witty, and some more po-faced readers might object to the homophobic nature of one or two songs, but the look of absolute horror that greets songs like Suck on My Cock (to the tune of Jingle Bell Rock) is enough to bring festive cheer to even the biggest Scrooge.

Yes, it’s piss-poor parody time here, with such delights as I Saw Mommy Fucking Santa Claus, Rudolph the Deep Throat Reindeer, Frosty the Pervert and Have Yourself a 1-900 Christmas. Released in 1997, the album was pulled from the shelves in 2000 after legal action from the original songs’ less-than-amused owners, which makes it something of a collectors item for particularly sad collectors. Or you can just download the versions that are all over the internet.

6.Christmas Evil

Christmas EvilThis 1980 psycho film languished in obscurity for a couple of decades before finally getting some recognition in recent years. It’s still not exactly a household name, but at least with a special edition DVD available, it has a higher profile than it ever had when ‘new’, when it sat unwatched on video shelves across the UK.

Also known as You Better Watch Out, the film follows the escapades of a disturbed toy factory worker who decides to become a vengeful Santa, rewarding the nice and punishing the naughty.

Like a lot of low rent indie horror films that emerged with barely any connection to the mainstream film world, Christmas Evil is a mix of tedium and weirdness, the latter just about outshining the former. If you are a fan of homicidal Santas – and who isn’t – this might just be your thing.

7. Sexy Christmas Treat

Here's something brand new - a 'sexy Christmas treat' - from the makers of The Last Exorcism. Settle down, relax and enjoy.

 

 

 

 

8. Jingle Cats

Nothing says Christmas quite like the sound of cats singing, so we can all thank the Gods for Jingle Cats.

In the grand tradition of The Singing Dogs (who, as i'm sure you know, recorded assorted Beatles songs in the way that they should be heard) comes this heartwarming version of that Boyd Rice classic, Silent Night.

Just the thing as you relax in front of a warm fire with a festive ale, mince pie and dead turkey. Enthusiasts can find more here.

 

 

 

 

9. Christmas Ales

Bah HumbugThere comes a time in every man's life where he has to put away childish things - and by 'childish things', I mean pissy, fizzy lager that all tastes the same. Once you venture past the world of Stella and Carling, there's an entire world of flavour to explore - not all good, but all more interesting that the tasteles crap you find being swilled in pubs around the world every night by the unconverted.

There's never a better time to try the world of ale than Christmas, when a selection of festive themed beers will be available. These are, at best, packed with taste and have a warming effect - just what you need after tramping through the snow to get to the pub. At worst, they are thoroughly average drinks with stupid names, but that's the exception, not the rule.

If you're still of the opinion that beer needs to be as cold as possible, to kill the tastebuds - or God forbid you think wine is the superior drink - then whey not try something different on your Christmas pub crawls? It might just change your life!

 

10. The Bishop's Wife

The Bishop's WifeI'd argue that the best Christmas films are those shot in black and white - possibly because both Christmas and monochrome movies conjure up feelings of nostalgia for a simpler world. While the king of these films is It's a Wonderful Life, here's an alternative slice of vintage festive sentimentality (and that's not a put-down - both films do sentimentality very well). Here, Cary Grant is an angel sent down to teach an ambitious Bishop (David Niven) about what really matters - and, seemingly, to try and bone his wife (Loretta Young) too.

Grant's smooth charm, Niven's flustered style, Young's barely-suppressed yearnings and a supporting cast including Elsa Lanchester help make this slight tale work, and Henryt Koster's direction is tight and effective. Even hardened cynics might find the odd lump in the throat as this story - culminating on Christmas Eve - skillfully manipulates the viewer.

This 1947 production seems to have slipped through the Christmas Classics crack, but is well worth seeking out. It goes without saying that the horrible Whitney Houston remake from 1996 is to be avoided at all costs.

The Big Bang Theory

11. The Big Bang Theory - The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

Here's a recent TV favourite for you - The Big Bang Theory's Saturnalia Miracle from Season Two's festive episode The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis. Penny gets Sheldon the greatest gift ever in a moment that never fails to warm the cockles of the heart found at Strange Things Towers.

Embedding is forbidden for this so you'll have to go to Youtube - sorry kids!. Click on the picture to go to the 'minisode' (ie the second half of the full episode).

 


Scary Shopping Mall Santa
12. Scary Shopping Mall Santas

One of the weird things about Christmas is the Shopping Mall Santa, entire battalions of whom have been traumatising small children for decades. Parents who the rest of the year live in a permanent state of pedophobia are suddenly happy to drop Junior onto the lap of some grizzled old bloke who - let's face it - had eagerly applied for a job where the main activity is groping small children while wearing a disguise! Sure, they have to pass all sorts of background checks these days, which should weed out the more disfunctional, alcoholic, piss-stained applicants - but surely that simply means that the successful Santas are the more cunning ones.

Weirdly, parents seem to think that kids love these encounters - seemingly because once you have kids, your entire memory of what it was like to be a kid is erased. For many small children though, these encounters are worse than the dentist and the monster under the bed combined. Failblog offers extensive photographic evidence of young snappers in a state of absolute terror while being held hostage by the often terrifying looking bearded fat man, which the more misanthropic among you might find entertaining.

 

Gremlins
13. Gremlins

In a sense, Gremlins could take place at any time of the year; but from the opening credits with Darlene Love belting out Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) on, this is unquestionably a festive movie, albeit a rather twisted one.

Joe Dante manages to mostly avoid the Spielberg curse of gloopy sentimentality - not easy with a Christmas film - and instead delivers a sharp, satirical, and often rather cutting romp that has the best movie monsters to emerge since Fiend Without a Face.

From Phoebe Cates’ story of why she hates Christmas, Santa attacked by Gremlins to an army of the little bastards marching through the snow – this is a Christmas film to bring a smile to even the most hardened cynic’s face.

Gremlins 2 is better though.

 

14. Michelle Cody - Merry Christmas Elvis

We’ve wished Happy Birthday to Jesus, and now it’s time for another annoying brat to sing a song to someone worshipped by idiots across the world. Elvis knocked out some decent tunes, but the tribute records that cashed in – I mean, paid homage – after his death were all shocking and if he wasn’t so fat – or indeed, if he wasn’t STILL ALIVE! – he’s be spinning in his grave to hear them. Here Michelle Cody dreams of singing in Heaven with the Big Man (we all dream of her doing that, the sooner the better!). A real thrill for Elvis that – after years of superstardom to have to face eternity dueting with catawauling kids? Sounds more like Hell to me.



You have to love the ending, where she asks Elvis to say Happy Birthday to Jesus. Seriously, you think Elvis has nothing better to do in the afterlife than to be your messenger? Take a tip from Little Cindy and tell him yourself!

15. Gary Glitter - Rock 'n' Roll Christmas

Before he became History’s Greatest Monster, Gary Glitter was a 1970’s glam rock hasbeen until he revived his career with his annual Christmas tour ­ playing venues packed to the rafters with irony-loving hipsters ­ and this depressingly catchy 1984 comeback hit, which you can still hear in shops over Christmas, albeit a cover version (a worthy attempt to cut Glitter out of the picture; unfortunately, as credited co-writer, he probably still makes money each time it's played).

'You’ll never guess what you’ve got from me” shrieks ghastly Gary, though if the person being addressed is under twelve, it’s probably a venereal disease and a lifetime of therapy.

Check out the video and wonder why it took so long for people to discover his unsavoury nature.

 

Beavis and Butt-head do Christmas

16. Beavis and Butt-head do Christmas

The first Beavis and Butt-head Christmas special - A Very Special Christmas with Beavis and Butt-head - consisted entirely of the pair commenting on Christmas music videos by the likes of Hall & Oates, Band Aid, Max Headroom(!) and The Ramones, which was fine and dandy, but this is the one you really want to see, as it features the two role-models in a pair of 'charming' seasonal tales.

The boys are split up to experience a couple of familiar Christmas stories. In Huh-Huh-Humbug, Beavis finds his porn movie ession (he's watching Ebenezer Screw) interrupted by three ghosts (characters from the series)who try - and fail - to show him the error of his slacker ways. Meanwhile, Butt-head is visited by an angel who tries to show him how much better the world would be if only he hadn't been born in It's a Miserable Life. Between these heartwarming tales we have Letters to Santa Butt-head, where he reads viewers letters while Beavis is dressed in some sort of reindeer / festive SM outfit.

Not so much ho ho ho as huh huh huh...

 

Michael Ninn17. Sexy Santas

Christmas is a time of stress and frustration, and the forced jollity that often accompanies it can be equally annoying – workplaces strewn with tacky decorations, colleagues in Santa hats pissed after a glass of sherry, awkward family get-togethers, awful Christmas music pumped into every shop and the streets lined with carol singers and people who clearly only shop once a year and so stand around like deer caught in the headlights while you struggle to get past them as they stock up for the end of the world.

Then, just when you think you can’t take anymore, someone sends you a photo of a sexy girl looking saucy in a Santa outfit. And suddenly, it doesn’t seem so bad after all.

Thanks to Michael Ninn for this photo!

 

18. The Wombles - Wombling Merry Christmas

The Wombles were huge in the mid-Seventies – bigger than Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and The Bay City Rollers combined. They had a string of hit singles, written and performed by Mike Batt and assorted session men – some of whom then donned the costumes to mime on Top of the Pops, seemingly unaware that their roles could’ve been filled by a few stagehands or homeless locals.

This is their fantastic Christmas hit – as usual, the Womble references crowbarred in (has anyone outside of hip-hop referenced themselves so often in song?) – from 1974, and it’s the 20th biggest selling festive single ever – take THAT, Aled Jones!

More recently, Roy Wood mashed up the tune with his iconic I Wish It Could be Christmas Every Day in a hellishly hamfisted megamix that has to be heard to be disbelieved. The video is astonishing.

 

Don't Open Till Christmas
19. Don't Open Till Christmas

If movies have taught us anything, it's that psycho killers are quite often pretty picky about who they kill, targeting specific groups that they have a beef with. In this British shocker (made in 1984, but feeling very much like a Seventies movie), it's Santa who is the chosen victim - or, more precisely, anyone dressed as Santa. These victims are a generally seedy bunch and are offed in spectacularly sordid ways - castration in a public toilet, speared through the head, stabbed during sex, killed while attending a live porno show. If you want your kids to stop believing in Santa, show them this!

Director and star Edmund Purdom - allegedly not a fan of this movie - is the pretty useless Chief Inspector who fails miserably to stop the slaughter, Caroline Munro appears briefly doing a musical number (she was attempting to launch a pop career at the time) and Pat Astley provides the gratuitous nudity. It was written by Derek Ford, a legend of British sleaze who's career has encompassed everything from gothic horror The Black Torment to hardcore porn in Diversions. British prints of Don't Open Till Christmas were heavily cut and many of the versions available in the US (under dubious claims of public domain) are practically unwatchable. But as a last gasp of the British exploitation film industry, this is worth the effort.

 

20. Little Cindy - Happy Birthday Jesus

Little Cindy - Happy Birthday JesusEnough with the frivolity. Let’s get back to what Christmas is really about – the birth of our Lord and Saviour. Here, Little Cindy takes time out from inbreeding and KKK rallies to say a ‘birthday’ prayer to Jesus (no-one tell her he wasn’t actually born at Christmas!) and to lament his treatment at the hands of "those awful naughty men".

Little Cindy ends her heartfelt prayer by wishing for death (“Momma sez if I was good you’d let me live with you”), and you might feel the same way after listening to this.


Carry On Christmas
21. Carry On Christmas

40 years ago, the Carry On films were more popular than God, and so it seemed natural that they should transfer some of their comedy gold to TV. As well as the lamentable Carry on Laughing series, the team - or parts thereof - made four festival specials between 1969 and 1973. The first is based loosely around A Christmas Carol, with Sid James playing Scrooge, while the second - Carry On Again Christmas - takes that festive favourite Treasure Island as its inspiration. The series took a break in 1971 but was back in '72 with Carry On Stuffing, a series of historical skits and finished in 1973 with Carry On Christmas (again!), the only modern day story in the series.

At their best, these are like passable cheap knock-offs of proper Carry On films, shot with the horrible video sheen of 1970's UK TV; at worst, they are unwatchably bad cheap knock-offs. Still, if you want to see Sid, Babs, Hattie Jacques, Charlie Hawtry and others (notably not Kenneth Williams) running through a series of skits held together by a weak plot, then these might be worth a look. If nothing else, they'll make you appreciate the proper Carry On films more!

 

Silent Night Deadly Night22. Silent Night, Deadly Night

This 1984 slasher would be wholly unremarkable if it wasn't for the fact that the killer wears a Santa outfit and judges people who are 'naughty'. There had been Christmas-themed horror movies before of course, but none that pushed the 'evil Santa' aspect so blatantly. Because of that, it became a huge hit and cause celebré, helped by an advertising campaign that allegedly had little kids looking forward to Christmas about as enthusiastically as turkeys do.There were protests, attempts to have the film banned and a general lack of goodwill surrounding the film when it played cinemas. In the UK, the film didn't even see release until 2009.

It's crap, of course, but has just enough going on to avoid being too dull - and features an early appearance by Scream Queen Linnea Quigley if that sort of thing excites you. The first sequel was a travesty that used huge chunks of the original as 'flashbacks' while subsequent sequels (directed by people like Monte Hellman and Brian Yuzna!) have no connection with the original film (and in some cases, no connection with Christmas either).

23: Billy Idol's Happy Holidays

Some things are just wrong, and this is certainly one of them. Billy Idol singing God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen, Frosty the Snowman, Silent Night and Here Comes Santa Claus? Holy crap!

Idol delivers these songs in straight-faced style, if not exactly with a straight face, on his 2006 recording Happy Holidays. Admirably, Idol makes these songs seem sleazy just by singing them! Don't believe us? Check out his version of White Christmas...

Now there is a man who is certainly having a happy holiday, though his whole demeanor suggests that it's at someone else's expense. Seriously, if you told me that there was a dead hooker just off camera in that video, I'd believe you.

There's still time for you to buy it for that festive family get-together - assuming you really hate your family and never want them to speak to you again of course.

Tales from the Crypt24: Tales from the Crypt

The story And All Through the House first appeared in Vault of Horror issue 35, and would later be filmed as part of the Tales from the Crypt TV series in 1989, but it's the version seen in the 1972 Amicus film that everyone loves.

Tales from the CryptJoan Collins plays an unpleasant bitch (go figure) who offs her husband on Christmas Eve with a poker, only to hear on the radio that an escaped lunatic is on the loose in the area. Sure enough, he turns up outside her house, and the pesky fact that her husband's body is in the house means she can't call the police. Did I mention that the looney is dressed in a santa outfit? And that Collins has a small daughter who is very eager for Father Christmas to arrive? You can tell this is going to end badly, and indeed it does.

Amicus' EC Comics movies have been criticised for not capturing the nastiness and black humour of the original stories, but this is a fantastic little story that will put you right in the festive spirit!

 

 

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